This checklist for writing a new programming language is both funny and true!

https://www.mcmillen.dev/language_checklist.html

Excerpt:

Your implementation has the following flaws:
[ ] CPUs do not work that way
[ ] RAM does not work that way
[ ] VMs do not work that way
[ ] Compilers do not work that way
[ ] Compilers cannot work that way
[ ] Shift-reduce conflicts in parsing seem to be resolved using rand()
[ ] You require the compiler to be present at runtime
[ ] You require the language runtime to be present at compile-time
[ ] Your compiler errors are completely inscrutable
[ ] Dangerous behavior is only a warning
[ ] The compiler crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] The VM crashes if you look at it funny
[ ] You don't seem to understand basic optimization techniques
[ ] You don't seem to understand basic systems programming
[ ] You don't seem to understand pointers
[ ] You don't seem to understand functions

Hee hee - very Usenet, to my eyes. Although I see it's from 2011.

I see there's a copy embedded in the SIGBOVIC proceedings for 2012 (which is constructed entirely of this sort of thing - "Association for Computational Heresy : : Advancing computing as Tomfoolery & Distraction")
https://sigbovik.org/2012/proceedings.pdf

[ ] Nobody really needs:
[x] concurrency [x ] a REPL [x ] debugger support [x ] IDE support [x] I/O or OPERATING SYSTEM
[x] to interact with code not written in your language
[x] The entire world speaks 7-bit ASCII

Running APL from punched cards.